Darwin's Theory

Disclaimer: This article is not for the faint
Of heart, the weak of constitution, those who find Borat offensive,
Or any combination of the three.

If you knew my host mom you would know that she suffers from situational mongolitis, using politically correct terms of course. If you aren´t familiar with this very technical term the root comes from the tico word mongolo/a, meaning retard and not to be confused with the Castilian word mongolo or feminine mongola which means of Mongolian decent or chinito in layman’s terms. At any rate one afternoon she comes home early from a tiring day of shit shooting and panty scrubbing, sits down for about 6 seconds before she becomes restless. Usually when posed with this predicament some ingenious, well intentioned plan to destroy something and not repair it crops up into her mind.
Now let me rewind the tape a bit, how silly of me to forget you, reader, are not omniscient and therefore cannot possibly know the pour qua behind my host mom´s next project. So, my host niece comes over. She´s three. She´s cute. She can even be said to be adorable. She comes over, you don´t see the problem here…well she has lice. Now I was told she no longer had lice, in the past tense, and was therefore allowed out of quarantine and welcomed with open arms into our humble abode. After and only after the child in question has dutifully, and I say dutifully because children are made for the purpose of propagation of pathogens. It says it somewhere in National Geographic or Animal Planet or something. Their lesser purposes include bringing immense joy to the world and producing a plethora of bodily fluids in abundance. As I stated before, after the ´suspect´ has rubbed her head all over the ´victim´, my pillow and over my vaquita (a.k.a my child in bovine, stuffed animal form) and proceeds to assault my teddy bear sheets and spring time perennial floral comforter (aside: I love sharing superfluous information). After and only after this has come to pass, I was informed that dear Celeste, the ´suspect´, has lice.
When we first discussed out piojo eradication plan (PIP) we discussed 3 options, none of which were ultimately used.
The first option is called fire in the jupa. No you are not mistaken, that is the name. Sound grotesque, possibly, but with a fire extinguisher nearby, wait those aren´t available here, well at any rate its 3% safe for persons over 18. This option involves lathering kerosene into the patient´s hair and scalp. Maybe this can be perceived as dangerous, illegal, negligent even in some social circles, because a 3 year old tot with a burnt scalp would surely make national news. It may even create sanatorium like consequences, but I assure you they would just put out the fire with water. Although with the no water, no opening of the refrigerator after sweating rule we may have run into problems activating our EAP.
Hair cream usage was our second and notably less drastic option. The problem lies in the logic of it all, as do most things in this house. The explanation I was given was simple, the lice simply slide right out. This sounds more like a Slip ´n Slide or water park fun for your cabeza, but not very practical. I´ve heard that piojos don´t like amusement parks or even amusement, they´re Jehovah´s Witnesses (something about going thee out and multiplying).
Our last option, obviously not because they used another strategy, was dog shampoo. By far the most understandable, although it could be said to be bad form to compare a child to a shiatsu…nada que ver. As if children weren´t already treated like dogs…feed ´em, poop ém, pet ém…it adds insult to injury to wash them with dog shampoo. I mean seriously children´s rights violation.
Continuing on with my host mom’s afternoon project, she decides to demonstrate Darwin´s Theory of Evolution by extracting the little lice buglings from the nugget (thanks Leslie Bricetti for this word) suspect´s cranium. It was like a scene from Gorillas in the Mist, or Planet of the Apes, or some primatey, gorillamonkeyapechimp movie. I won´t try to influence your decision, reader, so I leave you a picture. Decide for yourself.
Soon after the individualized piojo extraction, they get fed up by the futile mission, not before blaspheming God and cussing the poor creatures’ ´mothers to hell. Here´s a mild direct quote for all my virgin eared readers out there, éstos hijo de putas mierdosos que caminan pa´lla y pa´ca…usted no se imagina como caminan estos mal paridos.´ Well yes in fact, host mamita, I do, but that’s beside the point. Picking up where we left off their next project was to cut her bangs with kindergarten scissors.
You have never seen a haircut experience quite like this, top notch en serio. Something like the black barbershop experience, which is obvio the most superior. Where else can you get lined the hell up, powdered and have a complimentary eyebrow, nose and stache trim? I mean really, other than a Brazilian waxing place (oh you don´t think they do anything other than whoha fades, you´ve obviously not been to the right one).
In conclusion, I can´t be sure why I wrote this expose, if you will, in the first place. Could I have been teaching youth about safer sex practices, or helping small children understand the importance of being a steward of the environment, nope probably not. Tal vez it would have been better spent enlightening my mind through Chelsea Handler, cross culturally engaging through the age old ritual of cafecito or maybe just on the couch watching Jersey Shore in Spanish. Really I just filled time with non-VRF activity and wasted precious moments of your life. You´re welcome.